![]() We have a little car track, and four little cars that go with it. When we do Special Time lately, he loves to play an “I win, you lose!” game with me. He has caught the “I want to be first” fever that spreads from one child to another like the sniffles. ![]() And getting good at meeting behavioral challenges with warmth helps us do better with grownups, too! Unexpected Results From Play With Snuggles In the eyes of our children, we’re geniuses when we use these tools. Nothing makes us feel better than a child asking for the same snuggle-joke over and over and over again. ![]() Nothing lifts a parent’s spirits like a laughing, delighted child. They dependably heal the gaps children feel when school, or a half hour of meal preparation, or a phone call has interrupted their sense of connection.Īnd they improve our mood, too. Humor and physical play are powerful medicine. Instead of thinking we have to teach so much, we can notice that a child is “off track,” and simply pour in some connection and some time for laughter or tears, to help get his or her emotional gears in synch again. But if we assume that children are built to love and built to cooperate, then we have lots more options as parents. It is our job to make sure our children become increasingly able to take the needs of others into account. Parents worry that if they move toward their children with warmth and humor at these behaviorally sticky times, their children won’t respect them, or that they won’t learn lessons of love, sharing, and thoughtfulness toward others. These are the signals that, one way or another, will get his mind working again, aware that it’s safe to love and let others love him. ![]() These are the signals that let him laugh, or let him break into a big tantrum. These are the signals that his limbic system is starved for. You stop the behavior he’s caught in, but you do it with nonverbal, generous “I want to be close to you” gestures. He can’t listen to reason, so you do things his limbic system-the social center of his mind-can understand. You can’t get through to your child’s prefrontal cortex, because he can’t feel his connections with anyone at the moment. You’re doing what one might call a “limbic tackle.” You grab the older child by the shirttail and pull him over, wrestling him into your lap for a playful pummeling or a shower of kisses or raspberries on his belly. It’s vigorous snuggle time! You break into a grin and say, “Come here, you!” in a cartoon version of your “I’m fed up with you!” routine. But you have given that talk many times, and it doesn’t sink in. You could go in and give a serious, “You don’t get to treat your brother that way” talk. Or your child is pestering his younger brother, hoarding a toy that the younger one wants. Instead of trying to reason or distract, you pick up your child, throw him over your shoulder, and tromp around the kitchen, saying “I’ve got the biggest cookie lover of them all! He loves cookies! He loves cookies! He loves cookies!” Anything silly and playfully physical will do. You say “Not now, sweetie, have a carrot instead,” but the whining continues. Read More: Find out what causes whining and how you can stop it in What's the Cure for Whining? Setting Playful Limits When one reasonable request doesn’t get through to our children, it’s time for an entirely new tactic. And if you set no limits at all, children have the same response: they resort to more flagrant and inflammatory behavior. In response to punishment, a child veers off into unworkable behavior more often. And more drastic measures drive our children farther from us. Pleading usually escalates sooner or later to a blowup, because it doesn’t work. But in truth, neither approach really helps a child who is lost in ‘Unworkable Behavior Land.'
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